Trust me, I know
by HanssenIsGod
Summary: "I think we need to have a little talk, don't you?" Hanssen, Jac, talking. Not usually words you'd find in the same sentence. But in the aftermath of Jac 's diagnosis, will Hanssen be able to help her? Will he be able to get her to realize how much she needs everyone's support?


**Hi! So, this is my attempt at a Hanssen/Jac friendship fanfic! This is set half an hour after Jac hits Johnny in the episode 'Holby's got torment' Please leave me a review of what you think, they mean a lot to me! Enjoy!**

"_Right, so we got the pictures from theatre-"  
"And?" Jac demanded, snatching them from the loose grip the doctor had on them.  
"And, as we expected, it is endometriosis."  
"Oh."  
"So, what we thought we would do was put-"  
Not wanted to hear anymore, Jac jumped up from the bed and flung the pictures at him. "Bye."_

"Um…If you do ever feel the need to talk-"  
"About what?" She sighed in exasperation._**No one could know how much this has torn her world apart…ever…**_

_"About the fact that your chances of becoming a mother have dipped dramatically…"_

Jac sat, scrunched up in the little space she had, replaying this conversation over and over in her head. At the time, she had still kept her façade with that sharp tongue of hers – "Do I look like I need counselling to you?" But now, as she shifted slightly to make herself more comfortable, she finally let all her walls and façades she spent years perfecting fall and crumble right before her very eyes. As the warm, salty tears cascaded relentlessly down her phenomenal cheekbones, she didn't bother to wipe them away. What was the point? What was the point of being the 'Ice Queen' when she felt so broken and vulnerable? She hadn't felt like this since the day _he _left.  
Joseph Byrne. A perfect example of why she should never, ever try and love. She had given him everything. And what he done with it? Taken her very heart, taken a part of her being and shredded it into a thousand pieces, hurting her more than words could explain. The hurt she felt then she could have sworn she'd never feel again. She remembered bitterly the words she'd whispered to him in theatre. _"I will never feel for anyone else what I feel for you." _But she did. After sampling the delights of sexy Oliver Valentine and the gorgeous Joseph Byrne, some may think she 'degraded' when falling for Johnny. But not to her. What she felt for Joseph she felt for the infuriating, always happy, charming nurse. She wasn't sure how, why or when she'd fallen for him, but she was certain on one thing. She had. When he was stitching up the cut on her forehead that she was lightly running her fingers over now, she whispered the forbidden words. The three little words she'd only ever told one man before. _I love you._  
Love had always come as a strange thing for Jac. She'd never, before Joseph and Jonny, experienced true love. Even when she was a little child, she'd never experienced that fantasy-ridden thing called unconditional love between a mother and child. No one had been there for her, no one ever stayed for long in her life. And so she'd learnt to depend on herself. So when Joseph came along she had found it so hard to love him and so she did what she did best. She manipulated and used him until he managed to dig deeper than that icy façade. When he left, she felt for the first time in her life heartbreak. Jac had always thought heart beak was a very stupid and naïve turn of phrase. How the hell could the heart – the strongest muscle in the body that worked relentlessly for years, decades to keep a human alive – break? Break implied weak, brittle, which was not exactly the best way to describe heart, right? On a daily basis Jac handles hearts, holds them, fixes them. She feels the warm muscle in her hands and never feels more confident. So why, when it came to her own heart, was she so frightened and scared? Why was she unable to understand the one part of her body she knew the most about?  
But Jac felt she was so _damaged, _so heartless, that when it came to love she panics. She pushes them further and further away until they can't take it anymore. If she wasn't sleeping with their fathers, she was slapping them. She thought back to half an hour before, when she'd cornered Jonny outside of theatre.  
_"What was that?"  
"What was what?"  
"Don't you ever question me in theatre again!"  
"Are you serious?"  
"Too bloody right I am!"  
"Get over yourself!"  
"You think that just because I said I might move in with you were equal!"  
"No, no, no because that would be insane wouldn't it!"  
"That's right, I save lives why you hold my coat! I earn 5 times your salary. That's how equal we are!"  
"Brutally honest, as ever!  
"This is why your big plan is such a bad idea! Wall paper samples and- and pushing buggies through the park!"  
"Who in their right mind would want to have a baby with you anyway! Any product from your womb has an even chance of being the anti-Christ!" Even though he didn't know how much this hurt her she still felt the need to hurt him back and so before she knew it, her palm had come into contact with Jonny's cheek._

Another tear rolled down her cheek as she buried her head into her knees. She was a smart woman – too intelligent for her own good sometimes – and so she knew he was wrong. Her common sense told her there was no way that just because she was so heartless, unfeeling and cold was the reason she got what she had. But her subconscious had a completely different take on it. _Maybe, _just maybe that was the reason. For all she knew, it could be her own fault that no one could love her for long, that it's unlikely she'd ever have her own children. Maybe she'd forced her mum not to love her? Had she possibly bought the fact that she was so unapproachable upon herself?

She was abruptly pulled out of her thoughts when she heard the door open. She froze, panic spreading through her. He wasn't supposed to be in the hospital, that's why she'd chosen his office to hide in. She couldn't use her own, that would be the first place everyone would look for her, the toilets were never private enough, the gardens were too open and so she had chosen here. In the position she was in, if she remained still and silent, there's a chance he wouldn't find her. She heard him close the door behind him and she could only just hear he was whistling quietly. She sighed inwardly with relief as he remained on the other side of the desk, shuffling a few papers that he had come to collect. Once he seemed to have picked the papers he needed, Jac heard him walk in the direction of the door. Jac let the sigh out this time and gave a small sniff. However, he was obviously closer than she had guessed as the whistling ceased immediately and he stopped walking. Jac held her breath in anticipation, hoping he would just leave. She didn't want anyone, especially her boss, finding her like this. He was known to be as a heartless and cold as her. However, this clearly wasn't Jac's lucky day as she heard him move closer to her hiding place. 'Please, just turn around and go' she silently begged. She could see his black shoes now, as shiny and clean as ever. He hitched his trousers up slightly before slowly bending until he was in a crouching position. Jac eyes were wide in fright and she clamped her hands together nervously when his face appeared before her. She was expecting to a disapproving look to greet her. After all, why would he want her in his office crying her heart out when she should be in theatre saving people's lives? He didn't pay her to get emotional, did he, he paid her because she was one of the best cardiothoracic consultants. So when a sympathetic look crossed Hanssen's face, she couldn't help but feel slightly surprised.  
"Ms Naylor? Jac, are you OK?" This surprised even more, the first question she was expecting was 'why are you in my office?' "Sorry, stupid question. You're obviously not, are you?"  
She quickly wiped away her tears with a small brush of her hand and shot him a small smile. "No, I'm..er…fine. Thanks."  
"Jac, you can do many things, but lying to me is not one of them." He told her sternly.  
"Honestly, I'm fine." She made a movement to crawl out from under his desk but he placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her running.  
"Whatever it is Jac, you can't run."  
"You can talk." She retorted.  
"Luckily for me, you came after me when I ran to Sweden. If it wasn't for your persistent and relentless characteristics I would probably still be there now. You were there for me." He reached out and brushed the remaining tears from her cheeks.  
"I'm fine! I don't need bloody counselling." She replied, giving him the same 'you can't help me' treatment she's given the doctor. However, Hanssen was a lot less scared of her than the nervous doctor and her icy words didn't deter him.  
"I think we need to have a little talk, don't you?"_  
_


End file.
